Phew, I’m Glad I’ll Never See Her Again

Have you ever had a friend that you can’t beat off with a stick?

You’ve wronged her and you just want to write her off, you were never very close in the first place, but she keeps popping up in your life?

I met her when I was waiting for my adoption to go through. It was a time in my life when petty shit was intolerable to me. She was self absorbed and so cheap that she would do anything to get a deal. We met when she hired me to do her hair and makeup for headshots. Somehow she got me to spend 6 hours on her for like a buck. After that day I said Phew, I’m glad I’ll never see her again.

Next thing I know she’s moved to my neighborhood. Her husband cuts and colors her hair to save money. He’s made her look like a spotted lemur. She calls me desperately needing my hairdresser’s number. I give it to her because she needs help and I’m proud of her for taking the big step of actually getting her done by a pro. My hairdresser and I gossip shamelessly about her. It’s what you do with your hairdresser. My hairdresser proceeds to tell her everything that I said. That’s not what hairdresser’s do. I say to myself, Phew I’m glad I’ll never see her again. And I find myself a new hairdresser.

I run into her at my daughter’s preschool open house. “No we’re not preggies yet, just touring the preschools. This place sucks! You’re daughter doesn’t go here does she?” She gives me a big hug, “I want you to know that I know what you said about me and it’s ok, I’m willing to just put it behind us.” I smile and nod feeling like the contents of my guts were just removed. Phew, I’m glad I’ll never see her again.

I run into her at the local bar. I’m out having a drink with my girlfriend for god’s sake. She sees me and runs up to me drunk and emotional. “My husband and I have decided to adopt because you’ve had such an impact on my life. We need to get together since you’re such an expert.” I say Yeah, great. I run into her at the petting zoo, right in front of my adopted daughter she blurts out, “We’re still going to adopt but I ended up getting pregnant because it’s a lot cheaper so Clara meet my son Daxton.” I say to myself Phew I’m glad I’ll never see her again.

I run into her at Trader Joes. She gets so close to me I’m sure she can tell I haven’t showered. She mistakes my cart for hers and is leaning all over it. Hers has 2 healthy well thought out items like wheat germ and almond milk. Mine is filled with red meat, expensive easy dinners and lots of red wine. She puts my hands on her stomach and says, “I’m going to have a baby girl in August. We’re still on the list for adoption and we’re waiting and waiting and Daxton is going to preschool now so I thought I should be doing something. I have to know what I’m doing so we had unprotected sex and I got pregnant so now I know what I’m doing.”

I’m standing there wanting to say, You know bitch I know what you’re doing, you’re making me look at my faults. And I need you to stop it! My daughter is in school for six hours a day and I’m not working. I adopted my daughter so I could have a fucking child not because it would make me a good person. You will never adopt and I don’t care. Stop coming to me like some adoption confessional, kneeling down to the altar of adoption. I had to adopt. I can’t find a job, I spend money needlessly, I don’t like you, and if you ever talk about the cost of adoption around my daughter again I’ll tell your kid that you really wanted to adopt but you gave birth to him because it was cheaper.